I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
