I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
