Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
