everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
