I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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