nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I cockslap morals
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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