Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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