I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
