Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
