Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
