Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
