i jhust puked up my retainher.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
