it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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