I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
