I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
