Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
