did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
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You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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