Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
