It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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