Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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