wanna go halves on a baby?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
