What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
