I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
