i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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