he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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