her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
