Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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