i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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