I never want to see another naked old woman again.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
