She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
