booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
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We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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