how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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