Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
