i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
