Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
