hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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