She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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