I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
