yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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