Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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