ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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