Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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