I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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