Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
