My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
