The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
