So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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