bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
