You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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