mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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