after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
