I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
