Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
