just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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