I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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