I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
